Singleness

I promise I have been writing in my journal.  It's hard because I do it at work and I'm afraid "big brother" is peaking onto my work computer and reading my innermost thoughts and personal feelings, but at least I am doing it, and being somewhat regular about it. But I have neglected you little bloggy.

Tonight I am blogging late though because I am lonely and sad and probably a little PMS-y, whiny.  Jamaal is gone for the whole week at Boy Scout camp.  he is the scout master for our ward and for the Friendship Park Branch, which is a Marshaleese branch that shares half of its meetings with ours.  So he has about 90% of his scout troop made up of young men who don't even know what scouts are, and a couple of white kids who mostly don't care much.  However, ever since he's gotten the calling, things have changed.  The boys love him and they work so hard to do their merit badges and things.  They had a good turnout for the huge encampment that includes 15 stakes this week.  Even my dad is there from Missoula it's so big.  Anyways.  When Jamaal received the calling there wasn't even a registered scout troop for the boys, and he's worked his butt off to get them this far, so it's a big deal.  I'm so glad he got to go and wear his cool hat........

He loves that hat....
So what all this means for me.....I'm alone.  It's all about me huh?  Granted we have spent many nights away from each other, I used to work graveyards for goodness sakes, but all that time we were never far away, and both had our phones attached to our fingers constantly texting all the time.  This time though, we're separated for reals.  He isn't even sure he can find a place to charge his phone so he is turning it off all day and just checking it at night and in the morning to make sure I'm not in the hospital or something.  whew.

I told mom-in-law today that it isn't really fair that we've been thrust into this so soon as newlyweds.  I mean one or two nights i could handle....but a whole week?!?!  Come on!!  I thought this wouldn't be so hard.  But it is. It sucks.  That's all there is to it.  I have spent the past couple evenings with Tacoma.  She's a life-saver.  And Luckily someone asked me to work for them on tomorrow, so there's one more day I'm not sitting at home staring at the walls or looking through pictures of my love and crying......not that I do that.  But it is so weird that I feel so different without him here.  I don't think it's that I'm dependent on him, it's more like I don't feel right with him so far away. I can't tell him about all the nuances that happened to me today, and it's just sad.

I missed a call from him tonight.  It broke my heart.

When I got home I went to the bathroom and I had a moment of happiness and closeness to my husband.  At our wedding some turkeys vandalized our car, and then left the supplies in our apartment......to remember them by.
They left some window markers which Jamaal has often put to good use.  It started with a love note on our bathroom mirror one morning, a simple "I love you". To which I responded with an "I love you more", and then an "I love you most" and the fight has never stopped.  One day I tried to be clever and left this one.

It's a love graph showing that I obviously love Jamaal more over time, but he quickly proved me wrong, it was embarrassing.  Sometime after that this was on the mirror when I came home.

 It says

 " I love you more today than yesterday

And I will love you more tomorrow than today,

And everyday I live I will only love you more"

It's been up and hasn't faded or gotten smeared by moisture for months.  I love it.  Love it so much.  Our sealer said that we should say that to each other every day of our marriage, and I look at it multiple times a day. I love it.  No matter what happens that day between us, I always know this is true. And i truly love him more everyday, no matter how far he is.  If anything, this distance and week of time away from each other has made my heart grow closer to him more than ever.  I never realized how much he meant to me and how much I depend on him.  What a lucky girl I am!

he'd better come home soon.  :)